Have you ever come upon a locked and closed door that has been a part of your entire life, a very real part of you – and until that moment you were totally unaware that it existed?
Well, that revelation just came to me this morning. In my meditation time, thinking about life and the next lap of this human journey; seeking affirmation of what it is I am doing and how I will continue to make my way and meet the needs of human existence, a totally unexpected revelation came to me in the form of a door to a room that I didn’t even know existed.
All of life – its answers and questions – can be found within the individual. You need only knock and the door will be opened; seek and you will find; ask and the answer will be given. I was not expecting what came to me this morning.
As always, my query is, “Lord, what exactly is my purpose in life? What is it that I am to do or to be at this time of my life?” Of course, I had expectations of how the answer would go: i.e. continue writing for I am a writer (as always with the wondering and ongoing question, or should I say doubt, “But will I make enough money to live?”), a healer, etc. The point is, my “self answers” are always about doing something, not being.
Well, I came upon this door that seemed to be nailed shut and as soon as it got opened I saw it was dark, musty and looked like it had never been lived in; like it had been shut up almost since my birth, and I asked, “What is this? What is this room?” Looking about I saw nothing but a big empty room and looking ahead
and down a hallway it appeared to have no end to it. There seemed to be a single wooden table, but nothing else in it and I wondered what the room was all about.
The answer I was given was that, “You want to love and to be loved.” That is your quest and that is your purpose. It’s not just about one-on-one relationship, but about a love that has no boundaries and no criteria. It is simply about being love, a love that cannot be defined nor is it restrictive and has no boundaries.
I also saw that this is the moment I have been prepared for, as I stopped seeking that one-on-one love relationship with another a long time ago. I recalled my words in prayer one morning (a life time ago), “Lord, if I am to be yours alone, then take away this desire for another in my life.”
I was told that I had stopped seeking that other half, that I knew my completeness in and of myself, and that in that moment when one stops seeking, one finds. Strange isn’t it.
I am not here to tell you that I’ve found that special person to journey with; that this revelation came to me because that person is already in my life. I am only saying that the message I received was that the time is right, the preparation complete and that the person is also ready and the moment is now. I even have a name.
But, back to this room. It appears something happened in my early childhood that taught me I was unloveable and not worthy of love, and so I shut that door; not only shut it, but I nailed it shut and boarded it up so that no one, not even my husband, could enter in – but worst of all, not even I could enter in and find love.
Love isn’t about lust, it is about being in someone’s presence and just being – or so I think. I don’t think there are words that can describe that kind of love; if there are, I can’t because I know I’ve never experienced it for myself. It has always been conditional, both receiving and giving, and I know that this is not the Love that is the Oneness of life.
So there you have it. A locked and boarded up room has been unlocked and the door opened allowing the fresh spring air in to clear out the cobwebs and dust that has accumulated.
Perhaps this is what the asymptomatic pains in my chest have been for well over a year – chest pains caused by a heart that feels like it will explode if it does not get expressed; a build up of love, so to speak, that needs to find expression in the beauty of this world and universe we live in.
P.S. @ 10 a.m. – The above post was written at around 7:30 a.m. today. I just read the following in the “RA” book:
Become aware of His Desire (the Creator), and when you know this desire you will know your own, for you and your Creator are one, and you are one with all of His parts and, therefore, all of your fellow beings throughout all of the creaton. His desire you will feel it. There will be no more confusion. … You will have found LOVE, for this is the desire of your Creator: that all of His parts express and experience the LOVE that created you. This may be found simply, in meditation.
P.P.S.: My original blog was posted as a result of revelation provided in meditation. Then hours later, I pick up a book and read the exact same thing.